End of this Wilderness

This blog came to a close because the author passed away.  I am the Shelley mentioned in John’s writings and am blessed to have shared life with my husband.  It is only now that I have come to understand how he prepared me to continue living, learning and loving.   While his blog has ended, mine has just begun.  Check it out!  (http://www.shelleyministries.com)

Thanks,                                                       

Shelley                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Mathew 36:26-42

“Not my will, but Yours”. So many times I have read those verses, so many times I have heard them read, the standard of Good Fri readings. I thought I have had a measure of understanding. Only recently have I realized my understanding of these verses is at bet minuscule.

These words of Jesus, heard every year, simple to understand. Without human emotion, it is simple acquiesce. Add emotion to it, and there is a sudden change, a depth that cannot even begin to be understood, unless faced with having to make such a decision, to avoid pain, to stay with ones loved.

These verses fly up to me every time I pray, or my wife and I pray together. The emotions run deep in me now. It is a fight to say not my will, but Yours. It is a part of my prayers every day, with the same grappling to get beyond me, to get beyond me, and having the faith that God really does known more than I, and he really does known what is best. My story, wrote by Him before time.

I do really want His will shown in my life. I therefore pray “Not by my will, but by yours”, often followed up by “Lord my faith is so little, please help me to grow in my faith.”  

Maybe I am still too attached to the creation and not the Creator. Maybe it would be easier if I did not have so many great people in my life. Maybe it would be easer if I looked not on what to blame the emotions on.

There is so much talk about living a victorious life. My life will be victorious, not if I am healed, but if I hold onto the Truth, the truth of God.

Father help me to believe that your will, is all that really matters. Thank You

John A Miller

Surf Ouch

Surf Ouch

I spent most of my childhood in Absecon NJ. One of the great parts of living there was the proximity of the beach; we were 8 miles outside of Atlantic City, maybe less. But that was just one option. The beaches from Brigantine to Ocean City NJ were all close by to swim and play. Brigantine had the biggest waves and also a pesky little fly called green heads. Yes, the head of the fly was a brilliant green. They also fed on blood, having a nasty painful bite. Ocean City had and still has the best boardwalk out of all the options; unfortunately it was also the furthest away. It was on these beaches I learned how to body surf, riding a wave without a board. I still love doing it today.

I remember many long rides to the sand on perfectly caught waves, no people in the way. Being human, my two most memorable rides were the most short, and painful. They were rides far bigger than I could handle.

In my eyes the wave I was waiting for was huge. I moved to the position where I knew the wave was about to break. I could feel the tension in the water from the undertow and the water building in the wave. I could feel the wave about to break. I jumped up and forward paddling hard with my hands until I felt myself sliding down the face of the wave, it seemed longer than normal, I was riding the wave in.

I don’t know how it happened; I just know I went from riding the wave, to tumbling sideways in the roll of the wave. When the wave let me go I was gasping for breath, feeling like my spine was twisted. I was scared but that was all. I hurt physically, and my pride.

The second memory is very similar to the first. It was another large wave, another lack of judgment. I again waited on the wave, moving into position, feeling the tension in the water to know when and where the wave would break.

I felt the moment, pushing off of the hard packed sandy bottom, swimming to get to the right spot. I started to slide down the face of the wave, loving it, knowing I caught the wave, knowing it would be a good ride. I knew it would be a good ride only for a moment, then what I thought I knew changed as I was pushed by the water down into the sand, chest scraping the bottom…ouch.

Both of those wave riding experiences did not happen as they appeared they would or as I planned. Both started off very good, both ended up in pain and embarrassment. With more experience I might not have rode those waves or maybe I would have been able to properly ride those waves. Makes me wonder, do I make my decisions with the same wisdom as I did then? Have I changed?

Challenges

Challenges

 Life always has challenges, some planned some unplanned. I had planned one for June 25^th, just before an YFC conference in Wildwood NJ. My challenge was to complete a 200 mile bicycle ride from Reeders PA to Wildwood NJ in one day. I had spent the spring training, riding 30-70 miles a day between rain drops. I was I believe ready for the trip. I lined up a driver, Don Robbins, for a support vehicle, and had a second rider, Matt Robbins; we were all I believe ready for it.

  About 3 weeks before the ride I found a problem with my body, the type my doctor said, come in right away if I have such a problem. Shelley made the appointment and I was there in the doctor’s office 48 hours later. My doctor was away so I got to see an associate of his.

  I told the associate doctor the symptom, and some family history he inquired about. After he got his information together he said he really didn’t think there would be any worries, but after giving on test to verify my symptom, we scheduled a pet scan and a colonoscopy.

The PET scan was done first, that takes a few days for the results. Then the colonoscopy was scheduled for the 22^nd of June. The colonoscopy found a tumor; I was in surgery on the 23^rd and was informed that the tumor and PET scan confirmed I had stage 3 colon cancer. According to the doctors the odds of me having this, in their technical terms was one in a gazillion. The good news was they believed the got all of the cancer. They had removed the tumor with a few inches of large intestine, and a whole bunch of lymph nodes. The bad new the 12 rounds of chemo once every 2 weeks to be sure all cancer was going to be gone.

I know many people say their first thoughts were why me. My first thoughts were why not me. I know that stuff, considered good and bad happens to everyone. Why should it avoid me? For that matter, I believe God had prepared me ahead for this news. I believe that if you listen close enough, God does prep you for such things. Shelley and I went into fixit mode. Both of us were ready to make changes to help this time of chemo go as smooth as possible.

After the surgery, at some point, I had to go to the bathroom. I surprised the nurses by not needing any help, something most patients need, especially when their gut was split open for surgery. In my morphine dazed mind, I realized what timing this was for this to happen now. I was perfectly healthy but for the cancer. I was in the best physical shape I’ve ever been in, including high school. I was riding with better endurance and at nearly the same speeds, but with 30lbs more on me. Even my insurance was, and still is, about the best insurance you can have. God’s timing is perfect. If this was to happen to me, this was the best time in my life to happen. Not that I want this, there really seems to be no better time. 

I wondered if I would say the same thing if all this other timing stuff did not seem so good to me, would it still be God’s perfect timing. The answer I come up with is yes, God’s timing is perfect, even when I can not perceive how His timing would be perfect. God has a reason for this to happen, even if I cannot perceive why.

I was and still am amazed at how many people are willing to help in so many different ways. This encouraged me about people in general, and God’s church. Many offered to help with repairs around the house, food, and rides if I needed them. The most awesome help is those who have been praying for me, and have spread the word. There are literally people and churches praying for Shelley and me in all continents but Antarctica.  In this country I cannot say how many different states there are that people are praying for us, any better than I can say how many churches in PA, or even Monroe County. I know there is allot praying, and for who, a school bus driver, and insurance agent. This excites Shelley and I the most, it is the best help we can get.

I have thought how important it is to wait on God’s timing to receive the best He has for us. I say this in looking at my bride. I was not looking for a bride, and he gave me the perfect bride for me. I am sooooo thankful for that. During this time of surgery and chemo, she continually shows how perfect she was made for me.

My next chemo and a few tests should have been end of chemo for me. We were informed however the cancer spread, to the liver, a lung, and several more lymph nodes. This was, still is pretty upsetting to us.

We have had already made a decision about this. If we were to be done with cancer we would praise God; we will give him the glory. We had decided that if there is more cancer to fight, We will praise Him, and give Him the glory.

This past Weds we got a second opinion echoing the same as what the doctor said jan 3^rd about the spread of the cancer and treatment for it. That night, after we got back from TJU we spent much time talking. The doctor there gave us the opinion of the local doctor, but in more detail. We lay in bed chatting, crying, hugging and praying. Thanking God for the blessings of that day. We rattled off many, we praised God for be in His hands and for him being in control.

  One final thing, I have been asked how I can believe God is love, with my cancer and all this other bad stuff going around. It is simple. God is love because of the Christmas child, the Son of God who came to earth with one goal, to die, then rise from the dead, that we may have the opportunity to know him forever.

I will praise Him in victory; I will praise Him in defeat. This is the key sentence in the movie “Facing the Giants”. If you haven’t seen it, get it. I won’t explain more so as not to ruin it for those who have yet to see it. This sentence has taken on a much deeper meaning to Shelley and I in the past month.

  Let me remind you, this is not what I or Shelley want, this is not fun, this is uncomfortable, hurts at times and is just plain in the way of what we want, yet we want what God wants. I could give all the whys and such as to how we can praise God and be thankful for this, but will limit it a bit.

1.     God designed and made me, he has a plan.

Psalm 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

2.     He adopted me as I was and made me what I am today. He calls me son.

Ephesians 1:3-7Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.

 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace

       3. I have been reminded constantly of the story or the man blind from                                                              birth. In this story Jesus’ disciples asked whose sin caused this. Jesus said no ones; this happed to show God’s glory. Jesus healed the blind man.

John 9:1-5 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”  “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work.  While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

4.He promised to be with me always, not perfect health, riches or any greatness here on earth. He promised to be with me always. That is an eternal promise. I will always be in His presence.

Mathew 28:20 Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

Romans 8:28-39 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.  What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;

we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither

the present nor the future, nor any powers,

 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord

I do not like being one who has cancer, I love being in God’s presence, knowing he is with me. These Scriptures I hold to, Shelley and I hold to because the are true, they are God’s word. We will never be separated from God. Not because of what we have done, but because of what God had done, through Jesus, the Messiah.

This is a challenge, one I would not make, for not who I hold onto, knowing He holds on to me so much more.

Stinken Snow!

It occurred to me the other day how much I just love snow. I thought of this as I was shoveling a sidewalk in Stroudsburg. One side of the house is always light fluffy snow…even if a bit wet. The other side is always heavy as 5th street slosh splashes up on it. Yet I love it.

I hear many people complain about the amount of snow, or for this year how often it snows, griping…muttering, yet I love it. I have suggested too many they move south….further the South Jersey. I have been envious of them for 2, maybe three years now as they have been dumped on by amounts not equaled since I lived there as a child. I suggest they move to Fla. Where if they get some snow, it is rarely greater then a few flakes. Some give me dirty looks, some just bemoan…yes just bemoan…and moan…..and…………..yes seem happy miserable as they complain.

They say its to dangerous to drive in, I love driving in snow. The new cars with these automatic straiten the car out gismos ruin the some of the fun. I still love skiing, sledding and dodging snow balls. Yes, I even still love shoveling.

But I love the white stuff. It is far better than dandruff or soapy foam, cleaner than the whitest of sheep, so clean and crisp looking.

I like it most of all for what it reminds me of…
Psalm 51:7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, let us reason together,”
says the LORD.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.

It reminds me of what God can do, cleans us from our sin. Cleans us of all those times we have ignored God, and done what we have wanted. It is a gift, to remind us of the forgiveness God offers us, and has provided us.

Maybe, just maybe the effort to clean up the snow is to remind us, just a bit, of what Jesus had to do for us to be our Messiah.

His willingness to become a man.
His willingness to tortured and crucified.
His giving His life so we may be forgiven of our sins,

Maybe cleaning up snow after God whitens the ground isn’t so bad after all. He gives us snow to remind us what he can do for us and has done for many. It seems a bit foolish to complain about the snow when you see it as a reminder of the work of the cross done for us, no?

John A Miller

Drowning Unknowingly

Drowning Unknowingly

  I am not sure what grade I was in, maybe 2^nd or 3^rd grade. I was at my neighbors house down the street from mine, standing on a deck built to meet the top of an above ground pool, was tossing a beach ball back and forth with to older kids who were in the pool. I do not remember all that transpired. I do remember missing the ball, it going into the water and me reaching out for it. My reaching it was a mistake. I reached to fast to far over the pool and splash I was in the pool.

  I don’t know the depth of the pool; I do know it was deeper than I was tall. I immediately started the distressed swimmer response, which looks like a vertical dog paddle, kicking like I was riding a bike, paddling, arms awkward bent, fingers cupped, trying to get my head above the water. I was not succeeding, yet I was not afraid. I remember thinking why is this not working. Fear would come soon, as I the need to breath developed but the two other kids in the pool got to me quickly and lifted me to the surface. They, and the one girl’s aunt lifted me out of the pool.

  In the past few years I have thought about that event. I have wondered how much this is like not choosing to follow Jesus not learning to swim, and stay under his watch. Many others are drowning; some know it and are thrashing and screaming to be rescued. I am sure most are like me in the pool, my life was at risk, only they are not aware their eternal life is at risk.

John A Miller

1/20/12

I will Praise Him in Victory, I will Praise Him in Defeat

I will Praise Him in Victory, I will Praise Him in Defeat

  This is a long title, and yes it is not an original thought, but then again “There is nothing new under the sun.” That’s not a new thought either.

I will praise Him in victory; I will praise Him in defeat. This is the key sentence in the movie “Facing the Giants”. If you haven’t seen it, get it. I won’t explain more so as not to ruin it for those who have yet to see it. This sentence has taken on a much deeper meaning to Shelley and I in the past 24 hours.

  Yesterday was the doctors’ appointment we have been waiting for, expecting and hoping for a good report. The doctor examined me, not saying much but asking the usual questions told us a few things and then met us in his office. As he left the look on his face spoke what words didn’t.

  In the office he repeated what he said in the exam room, stating I had a new spot on the liver and on a lung, and a few more lymph nodes. This was not at all what we wanted to hear, especially then lung and liver, we thought there may be a problem with some lymph nodes but didn’t want to hear that either.

We were, well shocked. We made an appointment to meet again on Saturday to plan the next course of action.

Back in the car we sat, key not in the ignition. This was not what we expected, not what we wanted, not at all something to look forward to. We chatted a bit, then in a decision I made before Christmas, I prayed for I had decided to praise Him when declared clean, and praise Him if not. So I praised God, for what he had done thus far, and what was to come.

  Let me remind you, this is not what I or Shelley want, this is not fun, this is uncomfortable, hurts at times and is just plain in the way of what we want, yet we want what God wants. I could give all the whys and such, bit will limit it a but.

1.     God designed and made me, he has a plan.

2.     He adopted me as I was and made me what I am today. He calls me son.

3.     He promised to be with me always, not perfect health, riches or any greatness here on earth. He promised to be with me always. That is an eternal promise. I will always be in His presence.

4.     I have been reminded constantly of the story or the man blind from birth. In this story Jesus’ disciples asked whose sin caused this. Jesus said no ones, this happed to show God’s glory. Jesus healed the blind man.

I do not like being one who has cancer, I love being in God’s presence, knowing he is with me.

To God be the Glory.

His Grace is sufficient.

John A Miller

1/18/11